Alright, I’m going to allow myself the luxury of taking a deep breath before getting started. Writing about anything personal, particularly my experiences and feelings, has never been the most comfortable thing. It has always been much easier to write about something far removed that can be forgotten as quickly as printer ink dries. However, as my education has progressed, projects that meet this criterion have become rather scarce. As Howard Becker succinctly noted, writing as a scholar is different from writing as a student (Writing for Social Scientists, 2007). Increasingly, I’m finding that all of my writing is becoming personal, whether due to the amount of work involved or stakes I have in the subject matter. In short, all of my writing is becoming terrifying. So, having to write this first blog post concerning the insecurities, frustrations, and anxieties that plague my writing process at the start of my graduate studies seems appropriate. In this post, I will try to confront my writing process and express the problems I most commonly encounter along the way.

The Comfort of Research

My writing journey begins with extended periods of research. I prefer reading from printed copies with my pen and highlighter in hand. I find something comforting about being able to physically organize my papers and books and easily switch between multiple resources at once. This process usually takes place at home where I can create a fire hazard comprised of resources strewn across every flat surface in my apartment. As I read, I jot down quick notes, thesis ideas, and place scribbled post-its on important references. I also begin to amass bibliographies and create annotations for each of the resources I have read. I do not currently write in this phase of my work. It often seems more appropriate, and appealing to write a quick note and continue to investigate a concept or theme. However, this physical process often results in piles of disjointed notes and marginalia that do not benefit from the Ctrl F function.

Throughout my research phase I also explore writing possibilities. I enjoy creating outlines and road-maps for my work. The process of slotting pertinent papers into sections and laying out point form arguments is rather cathartic. I can spend countless hours moving ideas around, tweaking sections, and estimating the numbers of examples and amount of writing I’ll need to convey a point. However, I find that my preferred organization changes from day to day, often with my mood or reflecting my most recent research discovery. My outlines are rarely adhered to in the submitted piece. However, they provide me with a place to start and topics to begin discussing when embarking on my caffeine-fueled writing escapades.

The Pain of Beginning to Write

The bulk of my writing anxieties first appear in that strange state between sleep and consciousness. In this state, my fears of being incomprehensible, misconstrued, making inappropriate interpretations, presenting clearly non-cogent arguments, submitting embarrassing typos, and being a full-fledged disappointment all appear in vivid detail. These uncomfortable lucid dreams usually precede being jolted awake in a panic brought on by the realization that an impending deadline is best expressed in hours rather than in days or weeks. My writing generally begins shortly after this moment when I’m confronted by the reality that, if I don’t start now, there aren’t enough hours to physically pen the piece. I realize that my habit of procrastination prohibits me from enjoying the benefits of a leisurely, multi-stage review process. However, prior to being forced into writing, I experience paralyzing feelings of inadequacy that send me back into research and prevent me from setting pen to paper.

I don’t procrastinate because I enjoy the feelings of sheer panic and self-loathing that accompany each experience. I don’t think anyone willingly chooses to procrastinate. However, something about the stress, need to move forward, and inability to fuss over details allows me to overcome mt struggles and create output (albeit output of questionable quality). Prior to the last-minute crunch, my writer’s block often emerges from an insecurity surrounding the material. I often feel as though I have not adequately researched or interpreted the findings. I feel as though other important examples still need to be found and that my understanding does not account for the situation’s myriad of complexities. Often, I consider myself too conceptually confused, theoretically ignorant, and insufficiently well-read to contemplate writing my own perspective. The research stage represents comfort and possibility. If I could, I would happily remain in a state where I perpetually read and collect data. It is only when necessary that I produce some form of writing and I’m always insecure about the product I’ve produced.

Creating the Final Product

Once I finally begin to write, I tend to start with the introduction and conclusion. I find that laying out my intentions, main arguments, and take-away messages places me in a focused frame of mind. I then tend to write the paper from start to finish, filling in sections from my outline. Each time I take a break, I re-read what I have written and then continue where I left off. I tend to write constantly with the only interruptions being periodic references to hand-written or external research notes. Once I have written my paper, I then re-read it and alter the introduction and conclusion if necessary. Shamefully, this is generally where my process stops and the work I’ve created is submitted.

The notable omission from my writing process is the editing step. Usually, this regretful omission is a product of my procrastination. However, even if, by some miracle, time permits, I often feel too ashamed of my hurriedly crafted piece of writing to have any desire to revisit it. I find that even if my work is finished early, I rarely take pride in what I’ve created or have any desire to revisit it. It is only weeks later, after receiving feedback, that I can look at what I’ve created. When this happens, I’m often frustrated by careless errors, poor organizational choices, and shallow analyses. However, by this point I’ve usually moved on to the next project. So, in the interest of efficiency, I file the critiques away for future application, rarely revisiting or altering my original piece of writing.

Final Thoughts Concerning My Writing

Writing for me has always been a struggle. Somehow, during my barely memorable 3 am adventures I’m able to create an semi-comprehensible, passably English piece of academic work. However, through this course I’d like to begin to enjoy or at least take some pride in my writing process. As it stands, I feel as though the work I submit is incomplete. This manifests itself in a reticence to share my work with peers or superiors.  Often, when looking back at my work, I feel as though I needed more research, a more dynamic thesis, or a better foundation. I hope that this writing course will help me overcome some of my hurdles. I am particularly interested in exploring the idea presented by Kristin Luker that writing itself can be a learning process (Salsa Dancing into the Social Sciences, 2008). Towards this end, I’d like to begin my transition into scholarly writing by taking more time with my work and exploring what the writing process can teach me. Hopefully, this will enable me to write in an engaging voice that also conveys the content I wish to discuss.